V – The struggle against my better judgement.

I guess we are starting to get antsy. I’ve spent my nights this week trying to catch up on a project that is supposed to be in manufacturing in a few days. Friday night (last night) was no different. J had homework to do and I spent a little time working on my project. I guess that wasn’t the plan because the night erupted in a fight. I wasn’t supposed to work on my project and we were going to spend the night together. Sorry, but I’ve been a bit distracted and overwhelmed. I don’t know why she couldn’t just ask me to spend some time with her instead of starting a fight. So I tried to spend some time with her, but at that point she was just pissed and giving me the cold shoulder.

I wish we had some V left.

It’s funny how when things aren’t going well, your mind immediately turns back to it. I purposefully didn’t get any more. Ever since things with D had been escalating, I felt that it was skewing our judgment, so I just stopped. The first few days after that were tough, but ultimately, everything was fine. Now things are different. D isn’t around, so why not get some more? I couldn’t get my prescription refilled until Monday anyway, so we were out of luck….

How low could I go for something that I was craving?

Yup, I went there. I called someone who I can’t stand because I knew she had what I wanted. The mere thought of this person repulses me. The entire time I’ve known her, she has been nothing but drama and baggage wrapped up into one manic package. Time and time again, I’ve gotten on J for associating with her (or even trying to help her) because she continues to put herself in the worst situations.

I called, offering to meet her, but she was already on her way in our direction.

I really didn’t want her stopping over, but I guess that’s the price you pay. What I didn’t expect is that she would actually pass my house on the way to pick up someone else first, then stop over two hours later with company. Didn’t want or need that, so we entertained for an hour. It was a situation that I didn’t want to be in, but that’s the price I pay for going against my better judgment for something as trivial as V.

By the time all was said and done, it was late so we just went to bed.

It was kind of a strange night. Arguing, and frantically looking for something; a feeling maybe. And for what? To not even care when I had it? Addiction is a funny thing, and not being faced with the constant struggles that D constantly threw my way, maybe I’m finally left to face my own demons.

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