Does my wife hate me? Am I begining to hate her?

It occurred to me that maybe the reason I’m so desperately seeking friendships is because my one true friendship, my best friend, my wife, is  becoming more and more distant. After a great weekend, she was extremely sick today. She gets migranes a lot, I think mostly because of her depression. But certain other factors set it off. I ask her not to drink or do certain things, specifically because of her she will feel for the next few days following, but she does it anyway.

I feel less and less sympathetic in those situations, so I have a tendency to get mad.

Last friday night we barely spoke even though she was puking after drinking 4 beers, then smoking pot. Everyone knows you don’t drink and then smoke because it makes you violently ill, but she did it anyway. Saturday and Sunday was great though and even though I knew she pushed herself a little too far, and even so, she could barely move today, so I came home during lunch to be with her. She said she really appreciated it and really needed m.

I was really looking forward to spending tonight with her.

Things changed though. Around 4pm, she had a phone call with D. D has been doing OK in her residential treatment facility. She’s been becoming increasingly hostile towards J. Today really pushed her over the edge.

Things must have been bad because J’s mom called me to find out what had been going on.

During my brief phone call with J on my way home from work, I hadn’t gotten a clear picture. She just kept saying that she was done and didn’t want to continue to be talked to like shit and spit on by her own daughter and that she was taking her out of the program so she could emancipate her and drop her off somewhere. It was bad. There was also something about the case workers telling D that it was our decision to put her in a home and that she wasn’t in state custody. Not really new information, because these were all things that I told her when I was taking her to the facility.

D has been in a home for 2 weeks now and nothing has really changed.

J knows that when she called D, it will get her in an uproar. D knows how to push her buttons and she always will, but J refuses to not call because she doesn’t want D to feel like she’s being abandoned. So I don’t get it? We can emancipate her and drop her off and wash our hands with her, but we can’t leave her in a facility where she will continue to get treated? What’s really going on?

Is it possible that your emotions are out of whack because of everything that you put into your body this weekend?

We’ve kept countless journals details the aftermaths of long weekends. We’ve gone up and down together and still she refuses to acknowledge the impact that it’s having.  But somehow I am the bad person in all of this. She says that I continue to put her down when I get on her for not helping out around the house.

The cycle isn’t changing.

I go to work, I pay the bills, I am the go to person when things need to get done, especially regarding her daughter. I pick up the extra slack. What did she do today? She was sick and laid on the couch all day watching TV. I know, she was sick today and had an awful migraine. Forgive me if I don’t feel sympathetic , but she is continuously sick and has continuous migraines… especially so on the Mondays and Tuesdays following long weekends.

I am left alone, lost and not sure where to turn. My computer is my only solace. It has been my entire life.

J complains that I am always on the computer. Even tonight she said that I had been on the computer all night. Why wouldn’t I be? From the moment I came home, I was attacked. The one task I needed her to do today she didn’t because she couldn’t get off the couch. Why wouldn’t I resent that? I wish I could have called in sick, but I didn’t. I had responsibilities. She didn’t even return a phone call from D’s therapist, who she has been trying to get a hold of for weeks.

I have to face the reality of addiction.

The drinking, the drugs, the less I do, the more she does. I ask her repeatedly not to… sometimes I beg from the bottom of my heart. I tell her that I don’t like being around her when she drinks, yet she continues to. Why? …and for what? So she can feel sick for the next few days to follow? Even with everything that she has done for herself in the last few weeks, all the amazing progress that she has made, she continues to set herself back. Is it worth it?

She continues to rebel at the cost of our marriage…

Finally tonight, I tried to spend some time with her around 11pm. She said she was going to bed and that I had the last few hours to spend with her (after I had run her errands), but I chose to be on the computer instead. I just assumed that I would continue to get yelled at. She said that she took medicine to help her calm down and she had been calm for a while and we could have spent time together. How was I supposed to know?

If you had calmed down and wanted to spend some time together, why didn’t you come get me or try and talk to me?

I asked but received no response. So here I am, back on the computer once again.

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